Nobody’s Perfect

A liar's guide to dental hygiene

I’m on a bit of a self-improvement kick lately. I’ve started going to the gym more, walking daily, and experimenting with a 5/2 fast. I’m also trying to improve my productivity by writing on a schedule. I still eat way too much chocolate, but nobody is perfect.

Oh, and I can’t stop lying to my dentist.

Well, that’s not exactly true, it’s my dental hygienist.

Ok, it’s my dentist too.

I’m not pathological about it. I don’t lie about everything. I haven’t told her I’m a spy or a billionaire, or the world’s sexiest man (I think I told her top 3).

It’s not even my fault really.

She keeps asking me questions that I don’t want to answer truthfully - It takes two to lie, one to lie and the other to ask the question.

I have a good excuse though.

I hate flossing.

I mean I do floss.

We just disagree on how often I should do it.

It started with a reasonable request, “you should floss daily.”

I get it, “the teeth are the windows to the soul” and we should take care of them.

(Imaginary Editor: That’s the eyes, idiot.)

So, what are the teeth? The white picket fences of the soul?

(Imaginary Editor: No. The teeth have nothing to do with the soul.)

I get it, the teeth are important (for some reason unrelated to the soul).

So, I began to floss daily.

I was actually quite pleased to be able to answer “yes” to her flossing question at my next appointment.

I don’t use the word “hero” often, but I think it applied here.

Imagine my surprise when instead of receiving a round of applause and the dentist office equivalent of a ticker-tape parade I was instead met with: “you should floss twice per day.”

It was a devastating betrayal, but I decided to try.

I read somewhere that if you do something for 30 days, it becomes a habit. So, I tried it with flossing in the evenings.

If anyone ever tells you about the 30-day habit theory, you have my permission to punch them in the face - I will deny I said it - because it’s a lie.

Either that or I’m great at breaking good habits. Not a skill many people see as useful. It’s possible that I’m great at breaking all habits, good and bad. I can’t be sure though as I haven’t tried breaking any bad habits. Why would I? I like those. Who wants to give up eating a chocolate bar every day?

I mean, other than my dentist.

Speaking of my dentist, I don’t think her demands would have stopped at flossing twice-a-day anyway. I saw a pattern forming. You can too, right?

Daily led to twice daily which would lead to after every meal which would lead to flossing between every bite while eating. She wouldn’t be happy until I was walking down the street flossing at all hours of the day.

Imagine the pollution this would lead to from all the used floss discarded in the streets.

I had AI generate an image to illustrate the environmental damage. It was worse than I expected — apparently, I’d also grow a third arm.

I had to draw the line somewhere.

So, I put my foot down and I lied (so much less awkward than confrontation).

I mean, when you think about it, it’s more of a little white lie anyway.

No, it’s an exaggeration.

Hell, I’m doing them a favor, really.

I’m sure they have better things they can do with their time than lecture me.

Like floss.

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