Marital Algebra

It’s A Test! Or is it?

The other day I had a conversation with my wife that went something like this:

Me: What time do you want to eat tonight?

Her: My last meeting at work starts at 3:30.

Now before you jump in and tell me that she’s just trying to see if I remember my high school algebra, I’m here to tell you that I’m pretty good at math and there are just too many variables in her response to come up with an answer.

Is it a test? Did she already tell me how long her meeting would be?

And what time she was leaving work?

And how long the commute was?

And how long she wanted to be at home before eating?

Oh my God, did she already tell me what time she wanted to eat but I was watching the game so wasn’t paying attention?

Or was I playing a video game, so I wasn’t paying attention?

Or was I thinking about the Roman Empire, so I wasn’t paying attention?

Or was I writing an article so wasn’t paying attention?

Do I ever pay attention?

(Imaginary Editor: Do you ever pay attention?)

Me: Well, she talks quite a lot, but I do remember some stuff, so I must, right?

(What do you remember?)

I vaguely remember some kind of ceremony where we both said, “I do.” Or at least I think that’s what she said. I really wasn’t paying attention.

(Sigh. Shut up and get back to the article.)

Did she already give me the answer?

An important but fundamentally unanswerable question (in the sense that I don’t know and don’t want to ask her or she’ll know I wasn’t paying attention).

There is, of course, an alternative theory: she may have had the entire conversation in her head.

This happens more often than you’d think.

Sometimes these imaginary conversations happen during the day and sometimes at night. It’s impossible to know.

It’s not like Dream Phil would tell me.

Dream Phil.

That bastard!

I can’t tell you how often I’ve gotten in trouble because of something Dream Phil has done.

Who is Dream Phil?

No, he’s not a hypothetical perfect version of me. I’m already perfect. Well, except for the paying attention issue. And the short attention span. And I’m easily distracted. And…

(Imaginary Editor: Shut up and get back to the article)

Dream Phil is the guy who does all the stuff my wife doesn’t like. In her dreams.

Her: “I can’t believe you traded the kids for a pet duck!” It didn’t happen, I would have asked for two ducks.

Her: “Why did you let the Blue Men crawl across the ceiling while I slept?” Where would I have gotten the money for that?

Her: (Looking at 2-year-old baby photos): “You didn’t tell me my arms looked fat!” Ok that one’s on me. I didn’t want to die.

“Not paying attention” vs. “imaginary conversations”

It’s a classic he said, she (might have) said situation.

There is, of course, a third possibility and it’s that men and women think differently.

Men are logical, data-driven, and results oriented.

Women are…

(Imaginary Editor: Don’t say coo coo bananas, don’t say coo coo bananas)

Coo coo bananas.

(Dammit!)

Communication is the key to a successful relationship and I’m still learning how to speak her language, trying to meet her halfway.

I think I’m making progress though.

Last night she asked me what I wanted to watch on TV and I told her “I ate a hamburger for lunch last Tuesday.”

Baby steps.

---

“Disclaimer: The author is not a licensed marriage counselor. Take his advice at your own risk. If it somehow works, you owe him $500.”